Reflections on What My Parents Didn't Say

I've been thinking a lot lately about values. About teaching values and about learning values.

In my capacity as an early childhood director I have the privilege of being a source of knowledge and a confidant of sorts to lots of parents. I don't know that that role is always merited and sometimes it weighs me down. After all, I don't have kids. So I will reiterate something you've heard me say more than once and I'm sure you'll hear me say for years: I don't know how to parent.  I'm not blind to this. I know how to love kids and get to know them. I know how to build rapport and how to get them to focus on the lesson. But I don't know how to parent.

Which is why, I think, when I get questions from parents I try to think really hard about the answers.  So lately my thoughts have gone to values. How do we teach kids to value what we do? How did I learn what my parents found important in life?

The bible says "Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it (Prov 22:6)." Right? So how do we help kids determine what these ways are? Well, here's what I've been thinking...

I think we think too much about having these "pivotal conversations." Don't get me wrong: I think there are important conversations that need to be had.  Especially as kids get older. And doctrine is important and should be explained, for sure.  But I just keep thinking about all the conversations my parents didn't have.  Let me explain...


My parents never sat me down and told me how important it was to steal away quiet moments with God.

But as an early riser, I often woke up to find one parent or the other in a quiet chair with their bible study in their lap. I remember the basket that held bibles, notebooks, and study materials. I remember the Upper Rooms stashed around our house.  Yes, I remember reading the bible and talking about it but this whole idea of quiet time? I saw it. In my house. Lived out.


My parents never had a conversation with me about how we don't value possessions and how we store up treasures in heaven. 

OK. I won't say never.  Maybe they did. Probably as I grew a little older. But do you know what I do remember? They took me with them to deliver Christmas presents when I was seven and a family in our small town had a bad car accident that caused major medical bills and deep hardship on their family.  I watched the mom tear up, knowing this is the only way they were going to be able to have Christmas for their family that year.  Their son, in double leg casts, was pretty pumped about the whole thing too. He needed some joy and I needed to see what it looked like to give.  Win-win.

I saw my mom and dad open the door to our small house and hand out diapers and food.  I saw them drive people to the gas station and filled their tanks when the local gas station (right off the interstate) pointed cars our direction for assistance (you know you live in a small town when the gas station sends people straight to the pastor's house for help).

They took me on my first mission trip and held me close as I watched things I had only heard about.  And they let me live it out, walking a little boy back to his shack when his mom had dental surgery and was incapable of carrying his tiny body home.  They showed me what it meant to store up treasures in heaven before I had ever heard of that verse.

My parents and I didn't have long, detailed talks about the value of life when I was little.

But I did sit in my living room at age nine as a scared high-school girl came to my parents as the first people she told she was carrying her child.  I listened in (even thought I don't think I was supposed to) as they told her a baby is always a blessing. I heard them pray with her and hug her and tell her God loved her and they would support her and help her to parent or help her to find parents for that baby.  I knew human life was valued by God because I watched my parents value a life others might have dismissed.  And I was there to see her mature as she raised her sweet daughter, with the help and support of her parents. And mine.

And even these days, the days where I have had deep conversations about this topic with my mom and dad, I'm more touched by their life. I watch my parents support their local crisis pregnancy center. I take great pride in my mom's position on the board. We don't have deep conversations about valuing life but I know where they stand because of how they spend their time.

I don't remember my parents telling me to care for vulnerable children.

But I do remember the boy who came to live in our house. I remember his door right next to mine. I remember taking him on family vacations and I remember the family meeting we had to discuss making him a permanent member of our house. And I remember the hurt we all felt when it turned into a bitter court battle and he had to go back to the home that had asked us to keep him in the first place.  I remember my parents being super torn up about it. But I also know they would do it all over again. That's a conversation we have had.  And as I look back on my childhood, this is one of the many incidents that taught me the way my parents lived were the most impactful and formative moments in my faith walk.  The conversations? good. The lifestyle? Better.

And I guess my point is this: I don't think I'm unique in this. I think if you look back, you probably remember memories and actions more than conversations. My parents could have talked til they were blue in the face. They could have hammered home how the love of Jesus is acted out in our every day. We could have had charts and little "sayings" all over our house. We could have memorized verses to go with our values (and we did some of these things).  But it wouldn't have impacted half as much as it did to see them live it out.

Each day of my pre-kid life I think about how important it is to live out my faith and deepen my values. And I sometimes worry about how I will transfer these beliefs to my kids.  I pray that, like my parents, I will live real life with my kids, deepening my faith each day, and showing them what mistakes and sin and grace and forgiveness look like. And through prayer and the grace of God, when my words and even my actions fail, I pray God changes them in ways I never could.

Little One Letter

Hi Little One,

It's crazy for me to think for so long I wrote to you as a boy and now you might actually be a girl! Oh my goodness! I can't wait to meet you.  I am probably even more excited now that we have absolutely no idea what gender you will bring to our family!!

I have to tell you the kind of love and support our community already has for you.  So many people are excited to meet you. We talk about you almost every day. We discuss what you will be like, when you will arrive, how your transition will be, and how very, very much you will be loved.

You also have lots of prayers coming your way. Not just from me, your mama. Although I have to tell you, I am praying for you often. I pray for your safety. That you will know you are loved by your first family and by us. I am already praying you will connect with us and God will bond our family together. I hate it that I can't be there from your first moments. I may be missing years of your life and it pains me more than you will ever know that I can't protect you from all the things that will happen before we are united in family-hood.  And so, instead I pray.  That God will protect you. But I know it will still be hard.  So I look forward to the times we will get to spend together.

Today I weeded the garden. I pictured you with small garden gloves and a small shovel.  I imagine at first you'll just dig the dirt but eventually I'll help you learn to garden. Or maybe you'll be like I was as a kid and stay inside while your whole family digs in the dirt. I hope not. From personal experience, I can tell you, one day you'll wake up. You'll be grown up. And you'll have no idea how to plant flowers and you'll wish you had spent more time with your mom and dad landscaping.  So maybe I'll just make you garden. Just kidding.  If you pick up my stubbornness, this will be absolutely impossible.

I guess I'm saying, each day as I do things I look forward to the ways we'll do them together. How we'll teach each other about each other. And how I'll teach you about things here and maybe, if you're a little older, you'll teach me your culture.

I've been cooking all day and I've been wondering if you would actually like any of the things I've cooked.  No doro wot, no injera, no tibs. Nope. Avocado salad and pudding.  Yeah, I am pretty sure I'm going to need some new recipes.  Don't worry--I'll learn for you. In fact, maybe I should get on that. There's one thing I can do during the wait.

I love you, little one.  I think of you so much but love you more.

xoxo,

mom

Break it Down Now

I know many people who read my blog are considering adoption themselves. And I get a similar question from lots and lots and lots of people.  So today, I'm going to try to answer it as best as I can:

How much does this adoption cost? Why is it so much?

You may have noticed a beautiful new thermometer wiki over on my sidebar.  I decided I personally needed a way to show how far we've come (because we've come a long way with all your help!!) and how far we have to go.

That thermometer has a pretty large number, huh? It seems almost ridiculously large to think we will need more than $42,000 to complete this process. Well, first, let's say God has already provided so, so much.  We've used almost $14,000 and, as of today, we have a little over $8,000 in the bank, thanks to generous people who love us well.  But we still have about $20,000 to go.  So how do we get there? Well, let's start with how far we've come.

I think the adoption process can kind of be broken up into three phases that are neither equal in length nor cost.  And when you break it down, cost-by-cost, it all seems to make sense. It's just adding them up to a total that looks crazy-pants.  So let's break it back down.

First, you have the acceptance/dossier-gathering phase.  We were accepted to AWAA March of 2011 and officially submitted all our paperwork on November 18, 2011.  Here are the fees and costs
we paid in between:

Application Fee	$250
1st Installment of Program Fee	$1,500
Home Study (varies by state)	$1,800
Home Study Visit Travel Fees	$110
Hague online training module	$175
Documents/Background Checks/Passports	$300
USCIS Fee & Update Fee + Fingerprinting	$890
Notarization, Certification & Authentication	$100
Total	$5,125

These fees help make sure we are legit. Like, we love each other. And kids. And we've thought about this for more than 5 seconds. Our agency says that through the home study process. And then with the USCIS fingerprinting, the US government puts its seal of approval on the process as well.  Some of this money goes to our agency as well, to help them run smoothly and to continue all they do in-country to keep kids and families healthy and safe.

Next, when you finish all the document gathering, you submit a good chunk of money and officially become a "waiting family."  This is called being "DTE" meaning your Dossier went To Ethiopia.  That's when your waiting "clock" starts.  So, when you hear me say we have been waiting for 20 months, that means our dossier was sent to Ethiopia 20 months ago.  At this point, there's nothing official to do but wait. We have read books, been to parenting and adoption conferences, and prayed a lot. But here's what we submitted to get to that point:

Courier Service	$150
2nd Installment of Program Fee	$2,000
Post Adoption Report Deposit	$1,000
Dossier Service & Translation	$800
1/2 International Program Fee (1 child)	$3,750
training module for older child adoption	$35
home study update (Dec 2012)	$570
gas for free USCIS update	$75
home study update phone call (July 2013)	$282
Total	$8,662

The wait times continue to get longer. Here's the thing about that: all those documents we gathered? They expire.  Our home study expires every 12 months. Our fingerprints expire (I am 100% serious). And when you update, it usually costs something.  Not always. The first set of fingerprints were free but the next ones we will inevitably need will cost us the same as the first time we did it. So yeah.

One day (and only God knows that day) we will get a call from our family coordinator. She will tell us they have a referral for us. We have a week to review the documents and decide whether or not we think this child or children are the ones God has called to our family.  You get a picture to go with that documentation. I don't know how you don't say yes at the first glance but we will make sure the paperwork is reviewed by an international specialist etc.  When we do decide this is the referral for us, here's what we'll need in the bank to accept it:

USCIS update	$890
International Specialist Consultation	$400
3rd Installment of Program Fee	$1,500
Post Adoption Administrative Fee	$385
1/2 International Program Fee (1 child)	$3,750
Full Program Fee for 2nd child	$7,500
Total	$14,425

There are plenty of "ifs" in these costs (like will God give us one child in this referral or two--that changes everything) but this is the number we will be thinking of when we predict how much we'll need to be happy and not completely terrified when the call comes.

So... let's say we get the call. We have the funds. We celebrate and accept!!  Next comes even MORE waiting and then two sets of traveling. The first traveling is to go to court and make him or her or them ours. Then we will come home and wait in horrible suspense. And one day,we'll get a call that the US has agreed with what Ethiopia has already said: "they are ours."  And we will travel to bring them home.  

Travel is unpredictable when it comes to costs.  We'll have very little notice to buy tickets and our dates won't be very flexible.  We'll be at the hands of travel agents who will work hard for us.  But here's what we *think* it will look like:

Trip 1 - Airfare	$4,000
Trip 1 - In-Country Travel Package (2 adults)	$2,500
Trip 1 - Visas (2 adults)	$40
Trip 2 - Airfare	$4,000
Trip 2 - Airfare (2 child passes)	$2,000
Trip 2 - In-Country Travel Package (2 adults)	$2,000
Trip 2 - Visas (2 adults)	$40
Visa/Embassy Fee (2 child)	$460
Total	$15,040

As I said, we can't be certain about travel  costs but this is what we think it will look like.

We are so thankful to our God.  Wow. He has done amazing work in people's lives to help us get to where we are. I mean, yesterday alone we received a gift that moved us way up toward our goal. Seriously. You don't know me well if you think for a second I didn't burst into tears. But then again, I burst into tears at God's faithfulness all the time.

We are seriously amazed at how many people love us and feel compelled to help us and we thank God for the way he has brought this together.  Not one kind word, prayer, or check goes unnoticed. We are so, so blessed by our village.

So where do we go from here?  $20,000 is still a sizable chunk. We'd like to raise as much as possible and then we'll move forward with asking for grants.  Here are some of the ways you can help, if you are so inclined (and this is in addition to prayer, which we need desperately):

*Trivia Night! If you are in town, message me for more details. August 23 we are trying to pack out the church. It should be a blast!

*support through our adoption account--we are blessed that our church has created an account for us. You can write your preference is for your donation to go to us in the memo of a check written to our church and it will go into our support account.

*And finally, t-shirts! We are still selling our t-shirts through August 13. You can preorder them on at our Storenvy store.  Here are the designs:

Adult shirts are a softer shirt and are available at $20/shirt.

Children's shirts are a gildan shirt (your everyday tshirt) and are $15/ shirt.

You can order in person from E or myself up until August 13 (or my parents if you happen to live close to them). Share with your friends, your family, your neighbors. After all, who wouldn't want an adorable, comfy shirt!?

We know God will pull this all together. We feel deep in our bones he has called us to this and we are thankful he always provides for the things in his will.  We are along for the ride. And what an exciting ride it is!!

Thanks for blessing us with your love. We don't deserve it. But for grace...