The Plans and The Thief

Guess what? Another debate is on and I get to blog. Man, I have missed you guys.  Let's chat while my husband laces up his combat boots and watches the VP candidates spar, shall we?

I feel like I might officially have a handle on my job. I have loved it from day one but I haven't always felt like I was "getting it." Well, five months in I think I am getting it.

(You should know E truly just held up his combat boot to show me.  He started working at a veterans loan company in the past few months and he got boots at work today. Not kidding. Told you he was lacing up his boots).

Ahem.

So, other than that, life is swimming. We keep thinking about this adoption, trying to analyze this whole time frame thing.  We know it's going to be a while. With that in mind, we keep wondering what life should look like in between.  Do we try to start our family before we get this person here? Do we add another adoption? Pregnancy? Do we just enjoy the time we have together and not worry too much about time frames? (Let me state for the record the answer to that last question is yes, no matter what the answers are to the rest of the questions.  We are really trying to love each other well and not look too much to what's ahead but instead just enjoy what we have. Because really? We are so, so blessed).  We just don't know what this all looks like.

I've felt really convicted by the Lord lately that I am not spending enough time enjoying my now. I went to the Empowered to Connect conference in September and solidified my commitment to the adoptive community and to our family's adoption. But it also really made me think about where my head's been in the two years since I started this process. And I had a profound conclusion.  Do you want to know where I've been in the past two years?

Fearful.

Seriously.

I have been so worried about time frames and when and ifs that all I've done is worry about what's going to happen in the future. Will I ever be a mom? Do I want to be now? What about now? Now? If not now, will I get there? Am I just being defensive? Will I be able to have a biological child? Do I want to? Should I want to? Now? How about now?  Should I feel pressure to do this? Do I need to stay at home? Will I need to? Do I want to? What happens if I don't want to but I feel like I need to?

Do you want to know what this does? It's MADDENING.  And God really convicted me that this is WRONG. One hundred percent wrong.

Because you know what? God knows the answers to all these questions already. And while I sit here and think and ponder and get sick to my stomach wondering if this life of mine will turn out the way I have it pictured in the chalk paintings in my dreams my real life, the one I am living in this very moment, is disappearing.  (which by the way--it's not possible for them to even turn out like perfect little dreams because they change almost every single day. I have no idea what I want). This imaginary life is stealing the joy of my real life. I'm terrified and it's taking my now. It's a stupid thief.

So...I have decided, consciously, not to live in the future with timelines and deadlines and fear lines and numbers of kids and numbers of bedrooms and numbers of years in the workforce.

Instead, here's the list of things I want to do this year:

*love God
*love my husband
*love my job
*spend time with my friends
*spend time in the word, as much as possible
*be happy with who I have and what I have

That's it. I don't want to sit and wring my hands and wonder about the rest. Because I want to enjoy what I have. It's a trade off. I can't have both. I can't have my imaginary, scary, tedious, chalk painting dream life and enjoy my current life in all its fullness simultaneously. Maybe you can. Me? I either live here or there.

I choose to live here.

Does that mean I won't pray for my future family? Nope, still going to do that.

Will I still write to IC? Yes I absolutely will.  But I am not going to fret about when he'll be here. Only God knows the answer to that.

My job is to serve God and love people. Not to serve self interests and love the plans I make for myself.  I think about Jeremiah 29:11 all the time but sometimes I make it my own version.  Here's the real verse...

"For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.'"

Instead sometimes I think it goes like this...

"I have some plans for you, declares the Lord, "but instead why don't you tell me what you want and worry about what might be instead because if you worry and plan more you might prosper more than if you just trust me to give you hope and a future."

I know that verse isn't biblical. I know it.  So I'm going to try to live it. What does hope and a future mean? That's not for me to know.

I'll do my job.  He'll do his.  I hope you'll join me in this pursuit of serving God and loving people and leaving the planning up to God.

The debate is not ending any time soon but I'm heading to bed...I have 8 miles in the morning. I need to update you all on that soon. For now, adios and goodnight.