Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Looking Back and Looking Forward: Reflections on Six Months Post-Surgery

I woke up today with the fresh realization six months ago today I had surgery. Life-altering, emotion-enducing surgery.

Just in case you missed it, you can read about that surgery here.

I don't know why it was on my mind so much but, since it was, I thought I'd share some thoughts with you all, six months after one of the craziest days I've experienced. After all, I didn't know much about ectopic pregnancy when it happened to me. So, if you know someone who needs to read this post, send em on over. There's hope, my friends.


I am in great health. No, seriously. I mean, I  ran  almost ran a marathon last weekend. I feel mostly normal. Most days I have no reminders of my surgery. Unless I wear a bikini and see the tiny scars. And unlike most people, I don't wear a bikini every day. Jokes. I totally do. Jokes again.

I sometimes feel residual pain. I'm told this is completely normal and might last up to a year. But it's the manageable, irritating kind that you only notice because you are hyper-sensitive to your body. And I learned the hard way being sensitive to what your body is feeling is a good thing.  Other than that, I feel in tip-top shape.  Which is great. And makes me super appreciative for amazing medical care.

Mental Health

I'm in a good place. A really good place. I've been through lots of phases. That week and the week prior were very bleak.  I am sure you knew this if you read my post or talked to me. But Jesus was also very, very near to me at that time and for that, I am thankful.  I am so thankful His plan is not my plan. Some days it's easier to feel thankful for that than other days. For the most part, I'm very happy to be in God's will, even when it means some broken, hard times. It almost feels like it never happened. Except it totally did and some days I feel that very strongly.

Never was I mad at God. Never was I looking for answers. But still, I think I found some. He loves when we are close, even if that closeness is through brokenness. And when we ask Him to take control of a situation, He does. Even when it's a completely different plan than we had for ourselves.

I think, if I am honest, I tried to "fill" the broken spot in my heart with the adoption at first. You all probably noticed that.  While we both know God was spurring us to look into older children, we knew that before all the madness.  I don't think I was meant to confuse that with "since you had to suffer, I'll now give you something as a blessing."I don't think it was ever meant to be a trade.  And after some tears, I feel really good about that. Yes, we are so looking forward to "the call." And in some ways, this spurred us on to change our parameters. But one will not replace the other. And healing had to come before I was in a place to understand that. First healing. Then hope. Then future. I think we're there.

The Big Question

The big question I get, more than any other, is will we try to get pregnant again.

Which, by the way, is a very personal question, thankyouverymuch. But since I share a lot here, might as well go for it.

Let me start by saying, for those who don't know, it is possible. Scientifically, speaking. I am told by my doctor the chances of the same thing happening again are slim to none and the possibility of us getting pregnant without any complications and in a relatively short amount of time is very high. We should, on paper, be able to have a biological child, should we chose to go that route.

Follow up: it's much easier to hear those words than it is to believe them. Although I think I am almost there.

So,  will we? Well, I think so. It's not in our near plans. But we also aren't ruling it out. I think we'll say what we should have said all along: God-willing. When His time is right. If that time ever comes.

So that's it. Six months. A very long time and not long at all. I feel whole again. Minus a tube of course.

Thanks for praying for me and letting me be very vulnerable in this space. Community helps in the healing. And I am blessed with beautiful community.


  1. holy moly Jess I didnt know you had to go through this :( Makes me sad and glad that you are okay and running marathons you nut!!! I ran a half at the Go stl and looked around and thought why in the world would i do that again :) Soooo I haven't... Actually at this point it would be could if i could run A mile :) still keep using the I just had 2 babies excuse but probably should stop with that and get my fat booty on the tredmil since its been 9 months :) Love you friend and thanks for sharing!!! You already are a fabulous momma to who ever how ever a child gets to have you :)

    1. Oh girl, you are so sweet to me. And in regards to running....get back out there when you are ready! And I will say the full is not for everyone. It's a LOT of time for training. If I were close I'd send Eric over to baby-sit and we'd go on a little run together. But I would encourage you just to go for it, even if you start with run 2 min/ walk 2 min. Don't get discouraged. Your body has done amazing, amazing things in delivering those babies!!!!! Give it a little slack:). Love you. Be sure to tell me if you go to your parents' house and I'll come visit.