I thought the moments would get easier. With a picture in my hand I could conquer the world. I have a son. He is mine. Before the courts and the governments and even he says so, my heart knows it's true.
I thought this revelation would make it easier but it doesn't. It means the chance to lose him becomes even more real.
Today we received an email that literally made me breathe easier. Ethiopia's children's welfare division has agreed to keep adoptions open and continue to push for reform. They said they would tell us their decision a week and a half ago but we finally know today. I sigh and praise my God that one of the barriers to getting my child home is out of the way. This hurdle could have kept him from us permanently. He's closer. He's still ours.
I think, in a way, the fear always stays. It solidifies my entrance into motherhood. This threat, the latest one, will not take him from us. There are so many more doors to walk through. The legal ones yet to come with no guarantees that the paperwork and the signatures will arrive. The emotional ones, as we pray he will accept us into his life and trust us. The physical ones as we put him in schools and student ministry trips and so many other places to come where we can't make sure he doesn't break. He is ours and he is never fully ours. He is given to us.
1 Sam 1:27 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."
But we all hold our children loosely, with open palms. The ones we know. The ones we've yet to meet. The ones that nuzzle us in the night. The ones that call us to tell us their college woes. The ones that are only dreams in our heads, dreams we won't even share out loud for fear we'll be broken beyond comprehension if they don't become reality. They are all held with palms open to the sky, praying that our God blesses us with many days with their presence. Their smiles. Their wonder. It's prayed for but never guaranteed. And every mom knows.
So while I may not have a child in a bed in my home for a while longer, I feel the mama bear in me coming out in full force. I am so thankful for Ethiopia keeping its doors open, as I keep my palms open to the sky, praying for grace and blessings in this journey of being a mom.
Jesus, be near. For my sake. And his.