The Highs and the Lows

So first, the highs:

The final paper is in!  Tomorrow, I will walk across a stage with my cap and gown and blue hood that matches my eyes.

(Because that's how you pick a grad program, after all.  What color is the hood? Does it look good with my eyes?)

It's been two years but it feels a little longer. I've had tons of support through the Hubs, family, and friends.  And in this last week, it went quickly.  I presented on administration on Monday to rave reviews (no really! My professor really liked it!) and busted it all night Tuesday night to turn in my development theory paper on Wednesday morning at 7am. And by all night, I mean I went to bed at midnight.  Because, I am a little older and a little wiser than my first degree and I realize anything done after midnight will probably need to be redone in the light of day for it to make any sense to anyone other people who are sleep deprived and awake at 2am.  Anyway, the paper was turned in TEN full hours early and I had a delightful time at work.

So how did I celebrate?  The way every other college grad does, of course! I went and got fat free frozen yogurt with my hubs and puppy and walked around campus.  Then, we went home, watched TV, did several loads of laundry that should have been done weeks ago, and I promptly fell asleep at the chime of nine pm.  .  Told you I was getting old.  Nonetheless, it was nice to know that I had no work hanging over my head and I could fall asleep whenever I darn well pleased.

Hubs says he gives me three years tops til I'm begging to do another degree.  We'll see.  The person who got nine hours of sleep last night may have something to say about that.

So now, the lows:

We received an email yesterday from our adoption agency.  Ethiopia has been saying they will make some major changes to slow down the process for a few months now.  It's been concerning but there has been no indication that the proposed changes were really going to go into effect.  Until yesterday.  AWAA (our agency) said they really have seen MOWCYA (the people in charge of writing referrals for the adoptive parents to the Ethiopian government) slow down to writing 5 referral letters a day.  That's a major slow down.

So, what does it all mean? Well, we still don't exactly know but at this point, it looks like adoptions will slow down.  Children will not be able to make it to their forever families in quite the timely fashion they were once doing so.  The goal of MOWCYA is to ensure transparency  for adoption.  We all want that, too.  But not at the expense of the children. The courts don't seem to support MOWCYAs imposed slow down but no one knows at this time exactly how this all will be handled.  Please say a prayer for the state of all of this.  That children will be united with their forever families in a timely fashion. That families (including ours) will learn patience, trust, and the peace of God through all of this.  And that the government in Ethiopia will be able to help their children and have their hearts turned to ensure the safest and fastest routes to families.

Life is all about the ups and the downs.  We take comfort in the fact that HE is faithful.

Goodbyes and Hello

This post was all but finished last week when my I got distracted, it timed out, and I was too exhausted to start it over.

And so.

Last week, I had two sets of goodbyes at work.  I said goodbye to my assistantship, the people who helped me through two incredibly tough years.  We've laughed together, we've cried together, we've had so much Starbucks together it's just ridiculous.  More than anything, though, I feel like I shared life and work with the people in my office.  Two years, and as suddenly as it started, it ended. We had lunch, I was showered (I mean seriously--my new office is full of cool stuff now) with gifts, and I had just enough time to clean out my cubicle.  I may have shed some tears as I took my schedule off the wall.  Still, it was a great two years.

The problem for a sentimental schmuck like me with having two jobs is once you've said your goodbyes in one position, you have to go to the next place and do it all over again.  I arrived Friday morning to flowers, neon cupcakes, sweet cards, and the people who have watched me grow to a newbie to a seasoned professional who (almost) has a master's degree.  How do you say goodbye to people who have watched me move from a newlywed to a nearlymom?  It's hard. Very, very hard.  Lucky for me, that office is always busy.  I was able to slip out without the host of official "goodbyes." I left, flowers and cupcakes in hand, and went to my next busy activity.  It could have been so much harder.  The hard part has been this week, knowing I am truly done seeing my friends each day at work.  I don't know that I'll ever get over my love for admissions and my people there.  My gratitude overflows for the things I learned there.

And that leads us to this week.  If you have been pondering my lack of updates (doubtful) I will put your worries to rest.  I have not been posting because I am three weeks from graduation and training for a new job at the same time.  Impossible, you say?  I'm starting to think so too.  Nonetheless, it's only three weeks. I can do anything for three weeks.  Like, finish two major projects and learn an entirely new field.  Yeah, no problem.  Somewhere in there, we're going to try to get fingerprinted for the adoption.

Speaking of the adoption, yes, we are still working on it!  We finished our first home study appointment last week.  I look forward to chatting more, just as soon as I don't feel brain dead.

Here's to a little rest (hopefully) on this Easter weekend.

He is risen, indeed.

Graduation

Be prepared that this post is long...

In a little over two months, I will graduate from my masters program.  It's weird to me.  It feels like it happened very slow and very fast all at the same time.  I know my blog has been somewhat lonely since I started the program, but it seems like I just wrote the post about starting classes.

Yesterday, I received an email congratulating me on meeting the requirements for graduation. Today, I received an email reminding me of the grad fair where I can order my cap, gown, and (this time around) hood.   Much like in my undergraduate years, these emails flooded me with relief and a little stress:  this is really happening! 

God has a funny way of helping me grow and reminding me of where I've been all at the same time.  The email I received about graduation also contained the dates, times, and locations for the graduation ceremonies. In an institution of our size, we have numerous ceremonies.  My ceremony is Friday, May 13 at 8:00 p.m. in the Hearnes Center.

Let me break it down to you as to why this exact date and time is so very symbolic to me.

First, for those who don't know, the 13th is a big thing for the hubs and me.  Specifically, Friday the 13th is even more special.  You see, Hubs proposed to me on Friday, April 13, 2007.  On Friday, July 13, 2007 we were married.  We started our jobs in our current city on August 13.  Our new home has the number 13 in the address (which we did not know until we closed).  We celebrate every Friday the 13th.  It is our special day.  More important than our anniversary, it allows us to remember the little things and celebrate the Lord's hand in our life and our love for each other.  Now, my grad school graduation will be added to the list of important family activities that landed on Friday the 13th.

Lest you think it ends there, something heavy hit me about the announcement of my ceremony.  You see, going to the same institution for undergrad and grad school does some funny things to a person.  Or I should say, does some funny things to me.  I had known the date and time of my ceremony for a few months but the location was news to me.  The Hearnes Center.  Not a big deal.  It's the largest place to hold a graduation ceremony.  What's weird to me is that almost exactly five years ago, I stood on the floor of the Hearnes Center to receive my Bachelors in Arts.  The same floor.  And yet, on May 13, 2011, I will be in a completely different place.

I left undergrad feeling alone.  Uncertain.  Unhappy.  Unwanted.  And unprepared.  This had nothing to do with anyone but me.  My family was all there--smiling, taking pictures.  My future employers--the family who would help me find my place in the world while I watched their daughter--were there.  I had plans--a job even.  Yet, as I stood there on that rainy, chilly, day, all I could feel was alone.  I was so far away from my God I could have had the world but it wouldn't have mattered.  I didn't have it together.  But most importantly, I had no idea why I didn't have it together.  I knew I was a mess.  But I wasn't ready to fall back into the arms of the God who loved me and the family who supported me.  So I stood on that day wanting to be anywhere but in my cap and gown.  Wanting to run back to the certainty of college--the ability to pretend that the real world didn't exist.

My God held tight to me.  He held me and taught me even when I didn't think I wanted him to.  And though I didn't know it, he was teaching the same lessons to a tall, dark, and hansom young man I would meet four months later and marry just more than a year past my graduation.

Friday May 13, I will stand in front of the loving family I had there the first time.  I will stand with a husband who sacrificed alongside me for two years to make this day happen.  And most importantly, I will stand there clinging to the promises of my Father in Heaven that he will never leave me nor forsake me.  That I can love him even when I don't understand.  And that he will love me.  I can stand in confidence.  Not in my job.  Not in my abilities or knowledge that I learned.  And definitely not in my ability to make plans and be certain they will turn out as I wish.  But I can stand confident that no matter what happens, I am not in control.  After five years, I have learned the best control of all is no control at all.

And I look forward to standing in the same spot and being in a different place.

2 Corinthians 7:15-17 (English Standard Version) (from biblegateway.com)

15And his affection for you is even greater, as he remembers(A) the obedience of you all, how you received him with fear and trembling. 16I rejoice, because I have perfect(B) confidence in you.




Here's to growth.

Free! (for now)

 Grad school is a funny animal.  You have to want to be there to even apply.  And yet, somehow, something you've worked so hard for sort of becomes your mortal enemy.  For me anyway.  I wake up and think about it.  I can't relax.  It fills my life.  And I begin to wonder:  was this really a good idea at all.  Then I remind myself how badly I wanted this thing that is controlling my life.  And I recall all the friends I have made, the lessons I've learned, the ways I've grown.  With one semester left, I can unflinchingly say it's worth it.  Every second of it.  Well, maybe almost every second.  Regardless, I am glad, despite all the difficulty, I am in grad school.

I wonder sometimes if grad school compares to children.  Not that I expect my children to be my mortal enemies.  Although, after speaking with some of my friends, I am sure there are days.  What I mean is, there are some similar statements.  You work hard.  You focus on making that part of your life (becoming a parent) a reality, you pray for it, you dwell on it, you tell all your friends how badly you want it to shape your life.  Then, miraculously, you become a parent.  Suddenly, it is all-consuming.  You think about your babe before you make any plans.  You lose sleep because of her.  Your free time completely diminishes because of him.  And I wonder if you begin to wonder:  is it worth it?  Did I really want this after all?  I think all parents have to have those moments.  But, like grad school, I hope the answer is unflinchingly yes.

I have babies and children on the brain lately.  Not because of personal circumstance, but because of all of my friends who have recently made that giant life change.  And I am so happy for them.  In turn, Hubs and I are contemplating our own family timeline.  We love children.  All children, really.  Even the screaming ones we watch on Sunday mornings.  This love creates contemplation:  do we want these small humans?  Do we want them now?  Can we actually do this thing called parenting?  And we dream.  Of days when adorably tiny-tom clad toddlers run around our house, memorizing scripture and singing adorable tunes of joy.  Yes, we are living in a dream world.  I sort of think you have to if you really want to have kids.  The reality of lost sleep and screaming tantrums and dirty clothes/diapers/houses don't woo anyone to parenthood.  Much like paper deadlines and unhelpful group project partners don't woo anyone to grad school.  You take the good with the bad. And those tiny little faces sure are good.

It's fun to watch my friends as parents and dream of the days we too will shoulder that responsibility.  Until then, grad school is tough enough.  And I'll keep my disillusioned dreams of cherub-faced children.

Here's to a break from the madness.

The Probability of Updating My Blog Equals the Sum of My Homework Divided By the Time I Have

My statistics course is in full bloom and I am enthralled. Enthralled is the wrong word. Ensnared. There it is. Yes, I am one and a half weeks into educational statistics. Only two and a half weeks to go. It feels weird to be a student again, and I am reminded of all the habits I had three years ago in the classroom. Texting, kicking my feet up on the seat in front of me. Yeah, I was one of those girls. I am trying hard, as a grad student, to set a good example. It doesn't mean I am always naturally inclined to do so. I will say that I spend a lot more time on assignments and out-of-class readings than I used to.

Now that I have started classes, Hubby has taken to doing more around the house. It's miraculous! He voluntarily does hundreds of loads of laundry and folds it. He mops floors. He cleans the kitchen. When I try to help, I get the, "oh no, honey. You should study. Let me do this." Let me just say that I am staying in school forever. I jest, I jest. But really, he is going above and beyond the call of duty.

Last week was not only my first week of class, but it was also our church's Kids Club. We create our own summer kids' curriculum, so we don't call it VBS. We try to make it more of a camp for kids. This year was medieval themed, and we did all we could to make the kids laugh, play, and learn about Jesus as the true king. Exhibit #1




Yes, that is my dashing knight-of-a-husband dressed as a knight. Our group called him "Sir Baked Potato." He could barely move. It was all fun and games until he allowed the kids to remove the aluminum foil, revealing that he was a sweaty mess underneath. Here was the kids response:

"Oh cool, we get to tear the aluminum foil off!"

"Wait, why is it wet... (several seconds) Ew! Gross! It's sweat!"

Yeah, it was highly entertaining. Hubby also came in second in the Medieval Food Fear Factor. And I did not kiss him until he had thoroughly brushed the taste of head cheese out of his mouth.

Looking forward to a good weekend at my parents' house. I will try to update again soon, but that all depends on the probability that I understand probabilities without complications. You get the idea.

Here's to education.

Aw... Freak Out!

Well, if you know me, you know I am a bit of a Type-A, first-born, perfectionistic, control freak. Just a little bit. So, it was a little more than a small hit to my Super Power (the ability to control all) when I got an email from my grad studies interview day organizer. You see, for the past month, I have been organizing data for my interviews. I had a list of position I wanted. I organized the list in the order of how badly I wanted the position. I then made lists of skills I had that would benefit the position and skills I wanted to acquire that I could learn in the position. I had scoured websites, read every bit of info I could, and hired a professional investigator to background check my potential boss at every position. Well, no investigator, but you get my point. The email came at about 4:30 yesterday and Dr. H told me that three of the five positions I had settled on were not, in fact, available.

And then I heard God chuckle.

I however, was not chuckling. No, I was looking more like a character from one of those old Disney cartoons right before Mickey makes Donald so mad that his head turns red and the top flies off. Yes, I was Donald. I texted and emailed with fury. I debated and wrung my hands. And then, I got in the car with my husband and we went to dinner with Momma and my best friend. Because, after all, nothing solves problems like time with your Momma. Even at 25.

Dinner proved to be productive. Meg and I then headed to the mall, where all the dresses were too big, which also proved productive. I settled into bed for my last night with my Esther study, and I talked to God a little. Sometimes, you don't have to talk too much. Sometimes, God does all the talking. And what he said to me was, "Um, Lady, I love how you think your plans are better than mine and all but really? Really?" And that's all he needed to say. I fell asleep and woke to a much better attitude.

As Bro and I came in to work this morning, he asked if I was doing better with the whole situation, and I told him my revelation. Being mad was basically me saying that my plans were better than Gods plans. This is not a position I am comfortable taking. I would rather not be mad than try to be God. And thus, a lesson was learned.

A reminder to myself and my friends in blogworld: I am still a Type-A crazy. That probably won't go away from one lesson. But thank God that he crushed my little head yesterday. I have no idea what position I will receive on Friday. Heck, I may not be going back to grad school after all. But I know it's not my decision. And for that, I am thankful.

Here's to the big decisions being taken care of by the Big Guy.

Cheer Up, Charlie

I have been SO sick for the past week. Luckily for me, I have recovered nicely and am back at work. Unluckily for Eric, I gave every bit of it to him and he is recouperating on our couch today. Poor thing!

Being as sick as I was, I was unable to get a bracket together for March Madness, but that hasn't stopped me from watching games. How about that Kim English! Wowee! It's fun to be in the Sweet 16 as a tiger. In fact, the last time my tiger team made it to the Sweet 16 I was a high school student. Seriously. So, I am overjoyed to be able to watch my Tigers on Thursday. I am a tad nervous about the whole thing, but it should be fun. I just don't wanna see some random Memphis player chew on a towel on all fours like a dog. I would also prefer not to see their coach cover his mouth to yell obsenities. Then again, if that means they are losing, I will take it.

I am still diggin my Esther study, but I will be honest enough with my Bloggers and Bloggettes to say that I haven't been doing my daily reading plan. Since I don't have Bible study this week, maybe I will try catching up. It's something I really have enjoyed when I actually get to it.

This is getting long already, but I have to wish my momma a belated birthday! I spent the weekend with her, shopping, eating, and watching Twilight. She's a great momma!!

Speaking of Twilight, I finished the books while on bedrest. Wow! I really want to read them again. Yes, I am a nerd.

Finally, I forgot the good news. I got my acceptance letter for graduate school while I was sick on the couch. I am thrilled! I will interview April 24 for an assistantship. If I get one, my life is about to seriously change. Pray for God's guidance on that one.

Here's to Spring (if not spring break)!